When I was just a little Wythacay, my family moved often. I loved meeting new people, but since little Wythacay was born before Facebook, keeping in touch was difficult. I never fully grasped how to do long term friendships, even as I tried to replicate what the others around me were doing. Mostly though, I didn’t really work at developing that skill because I was fully content with the first love of my life; reading.
I brought a book everywhere. I would read by flashlight on night drives, I’d read at my school desk after finishing tasks. I read when I was sent to the car as a punishment for acting up in public. A book was always secretly stashed in the Astro minivan for such occasions. *
I never felt lonely. In fact, I preferred to be alone with my books, with the literary friends I could always rely on to understand exactly whatever I was projecting onto them.
A book I’ve returned to often is Louisa May Alcott’s “Little Women”. I think a part of its magic is every time I read it, I seem to relate to a different member of the March family. The last time I read the book, I was in a Time of Beth.
I have been in Times of Beth before, but that's just the thing about Beth. You think she’s all better until she isn’t.
When we first meet Beth, she is quiet, tries to make peace with her quarreling siblings, and wants to be as little trouble as possible. I remember little Wythacay being surprised anyone else felt like they had to make themselves small. I even had a kind grandfather with a splendid house filled with keyboards and organs, much like Beth’s Mr. Lawrence and his piano. Although I didn’t play piano, I was learning to read music in both bass and treble clef because I played the Euphonium, a rare instrument that’s bi-lingual. I figured with practice, I’d be able to apply my skills on the piano and be just like Beth.
Beth wasn’t perfect. Beth routinely fed and cared for the poor neighbors at her parent’s instruction, and dutifully continued even when no one was watching. I had recognized the dutifulness in the first Time of Beth and instantly saw the dark subtext of Beth’s obedience. I knew the unwritten words in Beth’s heart and saw through her good works. Maybe Beth partly helped the poor Hummel family out of love and good intentions. But also, Beth helped the Hummel’s out of a since of duty. There were days it was raining and days when she didn’t feel like putting on an apron and smile to cover her social anxieties. Out of duty, Beth continued.
The March family held Christian beliefs, but more specifically modeled their lives after the principles taught in Pilgrims Progress. Beth was brought up believing she was on a journey in which few would ever succeed. Pilgrim’s Progress also taught Beth that a good Christian does not stop and start his journey, but continues day in and day out, in order to make it to the Celestial City. Little Wythacay believed this also. And that is the reason she knew Beth sometimes was a good person even when she didn’t want to be. Both Beth and little Wythacay knew god saw them on their journey, doing good things but not really wanting to. They were both terrified and constantly analyzed their own motives. They kept to the familiar, avoiding making big life decisions in fear that it was the wrong step and they would never again be on the narrow path to Paradise. But on the outside they were just dutiful children trying to avoid taking up too much space.
During a different Time of Beth, Beth and now-grown Casey were both sick. Their pasts had left them fragile and weak. No one knew how to help or what Beth and Casey’s future looked like, although many tried. Somehow, they made it through although forever dulled. Both worked hard convincing their family and friends to go live their lives and not worry. When repeatedly told she must get well, she was too young to pass away, Beth replied:
“I want to, oh, so much! I try, but every day I lose a little, and feel more sure that I shall never gain it back.”
Casey dropped a fresh set of teardrops on the pages on the heart wrenching scene, feeling her soul crying the same words. She knew that Beth woke up and wondered why. Beth must have sobbed to a silent sky, begging god to show her the path again. Why had she woken up if the day was spent with no real purpose but pain? Beth went on to say:
“Yes, I gave up hoping then, but I didn’t like to own it. I tried to think it was a sick fancy, and would not let it trouble anyone. But when I saw you all so well and strong and full of happy plans, it was hard to feel that I could never be like you, and then I was miserable.”
So Beth and Casey isolated themselves. They snuggled kittens and moved from the bed to the couch. They wished away day after day, mostly certain that when this life was over, they would arrive at the Celestial City. Then they could start the life that really mattered.
“Beth could not reason upon or explain the faith that gave her courage and patience to give up life, and cheerfully wait for death.”
The most recent Time of Beth came as a surprise. Like I said at the start, just when you think Beth is better, she’s not. Before this Time of Beth began, Casey got help. She talked and learned and cried and healed. She stopped wishing her life away, and even stopped believing in the rules that kept her from ever being good enough. It seemed Casey was as far from Beth as could be. She set off with the best of intentions, seeking to find a way to enjoy this new life. This potentially permanent life. This life that was a shell of little Wythacay’s.
Casey had given little thought to this point of Beth’s life, skimming along, knowing what the inevitable conclusion would be. But Beth obviously hadn’t. An unknown amount of time of sickness stretched ahead of Beth, her mind no doubt trying and failing to find ways to fill the time. Beth would go downstairs everyday to knit and sew and look at the birds in the garden. She wasn’t able to play the piano anymore. Casey knew Beth felt more. Casey knew how it felt to lose her identity, struggling to hold onto the few tasks still achievable. Casey also knew Beth dutifully carried through her tasks long after they stopped bringing her joy. Beth knew it made it easier for friends and family to see her occupied and they could believe she was all better.
But Casey felt a particular disconnect with Beth when it came to accepting her fate. Beth stayed dignified. And cheerful. It was unsettling to Casey. Casey had always been reassured that she was not alone in her feelings whatever they may be. But she certainly felt alone now. This was a new feeling, being completely alone and misunderstood, where not even imagined friends could reach.
Where Beth was dignified, Casey was spilling over with anger. Beth was calm and peaceful. Casey wished often for friends and family to be tortured for a full one minute of the pain and symptoms she experienced every day, just so someone would “get it”. Casey kept reading Beth’s story, searching for a clue. Luckily, she found it in the form of Lizzie Alcott.
The sisters in “Little Women” are based off Louisa May Alcott’s actual siblings. The Beth I knew so well was actually Lizzie all along. And while the author mostly told Lizzie’s story as it happened, one important aspect had been changed. Lizzie never became that calm soul who accepted her fate without despair. Susan Cheever, Alcott’s biographer wrote:
“A 22 year old whose disease had wasted her body so she looked like a middle aged woman, she lashed out at her family and her fate with an anger that she had never before expressed.”
Shocked, Casey read as much as she could find on this Lizzie. Lizzie, who was able to reach across time to validate to Casey her feelings were not abnormal. And suddenly, Casey was no longer alone. She had outgrown the Time of Beth and entered the Time of Lizzie.
The Time of Lizzie was full of possibilities and unknowns. It was hard and full of suffering, but also honest. Casey no longer held herself to Beth’s standard of living with chronic illness. Some days were going to be ugly and no one could understand, except Lizzie.
* My Hubberton was unfamiliar with "being sent to the car" for acting up in public. Is this version of time-out unique to my family or have you been sent to the car before also? Please let me know if I'm alone in this one?
Are you shopping for your next literary adventure now? Consider Bookshop, an organization combining the convenience of online shopping and shipping with the desire to support local bookshops.
Since I am an affiliate marketer I receive a small commission on any purchases made through my link.
Don't see the title or format you're searching for? Contact me and I'll track it down for you!
Check it out at bookshop.org/shop/caseywythacay. Remember, it's .org, not .com, or make life simple, click now, and add it to your bookmarks!
Comentários