Milk is always a touchy subject in the Wythacay household. To start, Hubberton pronounces it “melk”. This overwhelms Casey with the desire to poke Hubberton relentlessly singing “MELK” over and over again in a high pitch mocking voice. Sometimes she just doesn’t have the will power that day and that desire becomes reality. Either way it’s not helpful.
Hubberton’s milk comes in a paper carton with a twist cap spout. While whole milk is his favorite he usually ends up with 2%. Casey does not trust Hubberton’s milk unless it is cooked, because it’s expiration dates are 8-10 weeks out from purchase date. Casey thinks since she lived 5 years on someone else’s beef cattle farm, the mere fact that it used to be a dairy farm means by some osmosis process she has inside milk knowledge. This inside knowledge tells her she doesn’t want to drink whatever is preserving Hubberton’s milk for as long as it takes to get your passport mailed to you.
Casey’s milk is in a plastic jug, often a gallon size because with the price break, she’s sure she’ll use it up. She notes in her planner to make her famous Mac n’ Cheese. But then she has several high pain days in a row. When she does make herself eat, its quick and easy food because preparing a home cooked meal seems unimaginable.
Cut to Casey’s milk quickly approaching the same expiration date that deemed it “normal” milk in the first place. She makes the mac n cheese but is still left with quite a bit. She hates drinking glasses of milk unless there is enough strawberry or chocolate syrup in it to taste like a melted milkshake. She also hates wasting food, especially when its milk because then Hubberton gets to flaunt the merits of his Super “Melk” and it’s a whole thing.
Over time, Casey learned how to avoid that whole conflict and so can you! It will only cost you $5.00. It all starts at the grocery store.
1. Grab two (2) boxes of chocolate pudding usually close to $0.50 each.
2. Buy a ready-made and shelf-stable graham cracker or Oreo cookie pie crust for under $2.00.
3. Buy a tub of frozen whipped cream for under $2.00.
4. Put two quarters in the bubblegum machines on the way out for a random kid to find and remind yourself of how nice you are to offset the fact you have purchased all the supplies to entrap your significant other. Don't worry, if you're married you never have to testify.
Put those chocolate pudding boxes inside the crust and put it away in your pantry out of sight. Find a way to keep the whipped cream frozen and hidden in order to keep it safe from midnight snacking. Now wait. Live your life. Use your milk as sparingly as you want. You are ready.
When the day comes, measure out how much milk you need to use up before it expires. If you have anywhere from 1 ½ - 3 cups, you’re golden. If you have more than that you better break out that chocolate syrup and start drinking.
Otherwise, if you have closer to 1 ½ cups, mix it up with just one box of pudding. If you have closer to 3, mix it with BOTH pudding box mixes.
Beat that pudding with as much aggression as you can fit into two minutes and your mixing bowl.
Pour pudding into your ready pie crust and pop it in the fridge. If you used two boxes of pudding your pie is going to be very full, you might even have a small bowl of bonus pudding to enjoy at your leisure.
Find that Cool Whip in the freezer and let it come to room temperature until scoopable. Take the pie out of the fridge and spoon enough cool whip on top so it looks full and intentional. You’ll use less if you used two pudding boxes and more if you only used one but either way you are covered. The pie is going to look delicious. Return pie to fridge for 3 hours.
Result? A significant other who is happily distracted and devouring the dessert so thoughtfully made for no reason at all and certainly not because there’s too much milk about to expire. Feel free to share this to brides who ask for advice. It has proved more useful than the standard “never go to bed angry”.
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